So….hello! It has been a while. I took a month or so off from blogging because if I am honest, I didn’t want to see the truth written in black and white in front of me. I’ve been in denial. If I’m perfectly honest, I have felt like my life has sucked the last couple of months, but here I am, hopefully coming out of the other side and ready to put some closure on this part of my life.
The last time I blogged I had failed my “Man Detox” by sleeping with a failed date. I no longer wanted to move out of the friend zone with my “PenPal”. And I was attempting to lose 10lbs.
Since then I have realised I massively hate my job, I am miserable because of this and adding that to my failed love life I slipped into a low point in my life. I got to the stage where I couldn’t get out of bed due to lack of motivation. I wouldn’t eat all day. I couldn’t sleep at night. I would cancel plans I had, purely because I couldn’t face lying to people by saying “I’m fine”, when really I just wanted to burst into tears.
When something is broken, you try and fix it. I’ve been single for a loooooooooooooooooooong time so I knew the reason I was feeling so low had to be separate from my lack of boyfriend and pinned the blame on my hate for work, so I started applying for new jobs. In the last 2 months I have been in the interview process for my dream job, but sadly I wasn’t successful. I was rejected, once again. And the turning point in my low period was when I realised I wasn’t surprised that they had rejected me. Why should anyone expect to be rejected? If I was on the outside looking in, I would have slapped myself. No one should ever feel that way. That is what has inspired this post.
I want people to know that it is ok not to be ok, but please don’t expect everything to fail, because it won’t.
Recently my friends have had a lot of positive news. Babies, new houses, weddings, engagements. All positive. I’m so happy for them all but at the same time I feel like everything is slipping into place for them, but for me everything is moving in the opposite direction, I began to feel I was getting further and further away from my goal.
My goal was – by the time I’m 30 (just over a year away), have a career I enjoy, have a boyfriend that could be marriage material, be debt free.
I set this goal for myself, no one else. This was all me. So when I am upset that I am drifting further away from hitting my goal who am I disappointing? No one but myself. My friends aren’t going to be angry with me that I’m not engaged this time next year. My parents aren’t going to be disappointed in me that I’m not in a career I enjoy. The only person I am letting down is myself. So what if I change my goal…what if I don’t disappoint myself?
My new goal is – be happy.
So what if I get to to 35 and I am single, if I am happy then that’s ok.
So what if I hate my job, and still haven’t paid off my credit card – if I am happy in other parts of my life, then bingo. That’s all I need.
Why do we need to be so tough on ourselves?
I know I’m not the only person who feels like this. I live in London now and have for almost 2 years now. When I first moved here I never knew anyone, I moved for work (back to my previous goal), and it was horrible. I spent every night on my own. I never had anyone to go out with at weekends. But when my friends or family would get in touch and ask how London life was, my reply was always the same “it’s amazing!!!”. In my head I didn’t want to disappoint them by telling them it was awful and I had never been so lonely. But looking back, the only person I would be disappointing was myself and that’s what I was scared of.
But in the last year or so, I have met a lot of people who have moved to London and at first when I ask them how they are finding London they reply with “it’s amazing”. A few glasses of wine later once I have shared my story of hating my first 3 months in London, the truth comes out. They admit to me that London life is not what they thought. The tube is horrible, rent is extortionate and it is so difficult to make friends. We are all in the same position but no one feels comfortable admitting that everything isn’t perfect. Why? Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to have the perfect life?
2 or 3 weeks ago I decided to get back on Tinder. I had a month of feeling sorry for myself. I had to get back on that horse so to speak. I started talking to a lovely guy who was the same age as me and seemed to have a good sense of humour, we chatted for a week or so and he asked me out for a drink. When I met him he didn’t look exactly how he did in his photos, he was a bit shorter and had bad teeth but I’m not that shallow….
We went to a quiet bar and spent the night talking. We had nothing in common, I wasn’t attracted to him. But, at the end of the night I convinced myself that I could like him if I had to. Why? I wouldn’t want to change for anyone so why would I expect someone to change entirely for me to be with them? It was silly. I text my date to let him know I got home safe, he told me he was still on the train and that was it. End of conversation. The feeling was obviously mutual but instead of me being relieved that I managed to avoid a difficult conversation, I was craving his attention. We were 2 completely different people, it was never going to work so why did I want his attention? I genuinely think that the attention of a man can become addictive and you can crave it when you don’t get it.
Two days after the date “cat man” sent me a message out of the blue. I was out with the girls when he text so ignored his message – until I got home. I hadn’t spoken to him since our last encounter and I knew exactly what he was after. As I was still craving attention I invited him round, we had sex, he left, I had got the attention I wanted, he got sex, we were both happy. But the next day I needed more. More attention.
From my last stint on Tinder there was a younger guy (2 years younger) that I had spoken to for a while. We’ll call him…..Harry. He was a little bit obsessed with me though, not in a cute way. In a scary way. So I backed off. But as the weeks went on, he kept in touch and became less creepy. We spoke about normal things, and not just how attracted to me he was. He was actually a really nice guy. He was the type of person who would check in maybe once a week, ask me how I was, how my weekend had been and that would be it. But the morning after “cat man” he messaged me, and I was craving attention. We ended up flirting ridiculously, to the point he was begging to take me on a date. It was exactly what I needed. I needed someone to want me, more than I needed them. I had plans that week but we made plans for this weekend. He was going to take me out for the day, he didn’t care what we did, just as long as he was with me. My flatmates were going away this weekend so he suggested he stayed over to keep me company. Very presumptuous, but I didn’t say no.
At this time I think it’s a good idea to introduce Mr Perfect. Mr Perfect is someone I have been speaking to on Tinder for the last 3 weeks since re-joining Tinder. I name him Mr Perfect because he is the perfect man for me…on paper. I have yet to meet him. But he’s taller than me, older than me and he makes me laugh, a lot. And he hasn’t been creepy at all. Infact he hasn’t even really been flirty which was a bit concerning. Was I gaining another PenPal?
I spoke to a male friend about Mr Perfect, explained that I really liked him from talking to him but there was no flirting and no date being suggested. My male friends advice was to ask him out. I couldn’t. I felt too desperate. He also told me to start talking to someone I didn’t like as much. This would be a distraction, so I wasn’t being as needy and reliant on Mr Perfect. So that’s where Harry came in. I knew I could get the attention I wanted from him, I knew he would distract me from Mr Perfect. It was an excellent plan.
Mr Perfect works unsociable hours. He works in hospitality. So I was only hearing from him every 2 or 3 days. I’m not in high school anymore, I don’t need to be texting someone 24/7, but I do need some sort of daily contact. Enter Harry.
Sunday morning, Harry messages me asking how my weekend was. I reply and tell him it was good and what I got up to and ask how his weekend was. No reply. I’m stubborn, I won’t message him again that day but I see that he is online and that he has read my message and he is choosing to not reply to my message. This is new. This is the guy who is obsessed with me. Why is he not replying?
Tuesday evening I went to the cinema. Both friends at the cinema tell me they are going out of town at the weekend. Everyone I know I leaving London this weekend, I’m going to be alone. Then I remember I made plans with Harry….Harry who is ignoring me. I then do something I never normally do. I message Harry first. I ask him if he was still coming to see me at the weekend. Message delivered. Message read. Harry online. No response!!! How has this happened? I am now craving for Harry to get in touch with me. Tell me how much he likes me. Give me any sort of attention.
I’m still waiting.
I had a restless night, my back up attention giver was no longer giving me attention. He was only supposed to be my back up, my distraction for Mr Perfect.
The next morning I was feeling better about it. It was silly what I was doing, I didn’t need a back up. I need to stop craving attention from men. Maybe it’s a good thing Harry has gone AWOL? I decide it is and get on with my day. I look at the benefits. I have the weekend free now. I have the flat to myself. I can sit in my pants and eat ice cream and watch Bridget Jones as many times as I want this weekend, with no one to judge me. This is good. This never happens. Then I get a Tinder message from Mr Perfect. At the same time I was planning on carbing up and watching rom coms all weekend, a little radar message must have been sent to Mr Perfect.
After almost a month of idle chit chat, out of no where, he has asked if I want to meet him for a drink on Saturday!!! Where did that come from?
I of course agree to meet him for a drink. He has his friends 30th birthday party in the area I live in, so he has decided to come down early and take me for a drink. I think this is good. It will genuinely be a couple of drinks. No pressure to spend the whole evening together. I won’t drink too much. We won’t sleep together. It will hopefully be a proper first date. I now feel under pressure to make sure I impress him in the couple of hours I have with him. But in the spirit of my new goal, I am not putting pressure on myself to impress, if he doesn’t like me then that’s fine, I move onto the next one, and I keep searching until I find someone who makes me happy and that I can make happy. Someone who likes me, just the way I am. Not pretending to be something I think they might like.
Mr Perfect is going to be my last date of the year. I’m off to Thailand for 3 weeks in December/January. Before I go I am removing all my 2014 dates from my phone book, tinder, Facebook, Instagram, what’s app. I don’t need them anymore. No more looking back and worrying why someone didn’t like me.
I have rabbled on a bit in this post. Hopefully you are all now up to date on my tragic love life.
I will let you know how my date with Mr Perfect turns out.
I’m trying to stay positive. I will only put pressure on myself to make sure I’m happy, nothing else.
Let’s stop putting so much pressure on ourselves to have a “perfect” life. It would be boring if it was perfect and I’m sure we won’t appreciate all the good things headed our way if we didn’t experience all this nonsense along the way!
Stay happy 😊 xxxx